Laura's Story

I have kept a private journal since the first day of 1997. Some of my thoughts and feelings have only been shared with this journal and nobody else. It's like a timeline of my life, and I often look back and re-read entries. It has always had its frequent peaks and valleys, especially during my college years. But looking back at this past semester, I noticed that my writing style changed dramatically. No longer was I complaining and ranting in my entires, but rather I was happy about so many simple things that never excited me before. It's like I opened up and didn't have those worries that always filled my mind and time. And it's all thanks to a great person that I met during that time. I've decided to share a few of these journal entries. Although my time with Max only covers a two month span (not including the first time I met him) I wrote so much about every little thing we did. So here are some edited journal entries about Max.

Tuesday 10/26/99

There's a really nice guy in my SCO class named Max. He doesn't like smoking, drinking or rushing. Hey, you never know. Everyone is dating someone but me. It's gotta happen sometime.

Sunday 2/25/01

What seemed to be a regular day in the city turned out to be my past revisited. See, a student from Hofstra was on the bus and then the train too. Someone I kinda knew from before. And when I first noticed him, I freaked to [my friend] Coffey. And then Ryan and Arlene said he was in some classes of theirs. Let the joking begin! "Ha-ha. Fu has a crush on Max". See, he was in my SCO4 class in the Fall of '99. It's an old crush come back again.Turns out he was going to Letterman too b/c he had standby tickets. And we spent the whole day together. He came with the group, and then me, Travis, and him waited by the Ed Sullivan theater. He didn't end up getting in, but he actually made it on because he knowingly went to the pizzaria that the camera crew visited for a sketch. And he was just sitting there, sitting next to Ice-T. So, Max met us afterwards for dinner. You know what really made me feel good was that he remembered me. He remember that I was "the girl who liked the Backstreet Boys". And, unlike any other guy, he asked me about them and didn't mock them. He even knew lyrics to their non-singles! And for once I was able to be around a guy I liked (and have liked) all while being myself. I wasn't my typical shut-in self. I don't want to wait too long to say something,but I also don't want to jump into things. I want to say what's on my mind. Well, maybe I'll just ask him to stop by EU (Entertainment Unlimited) sometime......

Tuesday 2/27/01

Last night I called Max. He was very nice and talkative. I invited him to the Popcorn Flik movie tomorrow night. This is the first time I haven't been so hesitant. I believe in fate, up to a certain point.

Wednesday 2/28/01

Today was one of those great overall days where I just want to tell everyone how happy I was. It was a rare, productive day and people could tell because I was "beaming". And that was all before the evening's events. Ryan was nice enough to come to "Annie Hall" at 8pm. At first Max didn't show up, but I didn't want it to upset me, so I enjoyed the movie. He ended up coming in at a little after 9. Turns out he wached his show and taped another, But he came to the theater despite the movie being half way over. I wonder what that means. We talked for a while, and he thanked me for inviting him. I thanked him for coming. We talked about random stuff again. I told him I was playing at the open mic night and wanted him to come. He asked me about playing violin and was just overall so easy to talk to. But I accidentally told him the wrong room, and now I'm all freaking out. I don't even know if he's coming or how I should tell him. Well, it was just a very nice day for me. I hope to see him around soon.

Monday 3/5/01

Max called back on Saturday night, but I was at the movies. He left a message wanting to know what I was doing. But when I was at the movies! And when I called back, noone answered. So then I left a message. Stupid phone tag. The school closed today because of the "snow day", so we had a little pizza party when everyone was supposed to be in class. Then I called Max. He stopped by the office and we went to Constitution to watch "Pay It Forward". Max is a really nice guy, he gave me his number. And he said I chose a good movie and made sure that I was OK with returning the movie to the office. I think I'm supposed to give it another day before I call.

Wednesday 3/14/01

Last Tuesday we had the "storm of the century" and classes were cancelled. There was no such storm, so I called Max and we played pool and ping pong with Coffey, Barb, Dan and Travis. Then we had a snowball fight, ate chinese food and played boardgames. Friday the 9th was his 20th birthday, and I gave him a card. He went to dinner with EU and it was fun. Some of us hung out afterwards too. On Saturday we saw "Unbreakable" at the movies and he came to my room to watch Conan host SNL.

Saturday 3/17/01

There was another open mic night, so I played at it. I had invited Max, and thank goodness he showed up. It felt really good to play for an audience in which someone who really cared was. It's easier to play when they're you're friends. Somehow I was invited up to Max's room. He showed me all this cool stuff he has like a webcam. He's very much up on the technology. Then we listened to Dido and David Grey. It's nice, we have lots in common. Music, tastes, personality, dislikes, interests. He's also a neat freak. And his wall decorations are very similar to mine. He told me he wanted to get a world map similar to the one I have, so I bought him a small one as a late birthday gift. I stayed in his room til 1am. He's very polite, it was a wonderful evening. I asked him if he'd like to see a movie, I suggested "15 Minutes". He also wants to see it, so I guess those are semi-plans. He even had a b-day card prepared for me.

Sunday 3/18/01

I went to the office and turns out that Max called there looking for me! What's the deal? I'll find out tonight at the coffee house.

Wednesday 3/21/01

I think I had the coolest birthday yet. Everyone came to the coffee house. We just played cards all night. Max gave me a card. Rachel, Ryan and Coffey got me a birthday cake and everyone sang. It was a great evening, and I got a call from everyone.

Sunday 3/25/01

Well, I guess Max and I had a "date" Friday. I asked him to a movie, and we saw 15 Minutes. Then we watched some of my AVF projects in his room til 3am. And since I had been up since 7am Thursday morning, I was really tired. But I had the greatest time. I think I'll call him to watch the Oscars or something. And I think I'm gonna explode if I don't say something to him!

Friday 3/30/01

The week goes by so fast. I was asked to be in Max's movie...as the female lead. Weird, eh? But I'm very excited. I'm shooting that Friday and Sunday hopefully. And Saturday we're going to the city and to the Comic Strip.

Monday 4/2/01

I spent $150 in the city on Saturday. We had dinner and then drinks at the comedy club. Me and Max got tix to "The Producers". And we also got tickets to Conan O'Brien. We had the greatest time. And, according to my friend's advice, we were a bit physically joking with each like pushing and stuff. We didn't get to shoot because of the weather. But we'll finish sometime soon. This issue has really been taking up most of my time and thinking. But I believe we have positive things going on, and it's only time before someone says something, either good or bad. Hopefully he's coming to the Hofstra Concerts' Comedy Show on Thursday.

Thursday 4/3/01

On Monday I called Max to see if he'd mind my stopping by. So I hung out there for a few hours. I guess I kinda, well not really, asked him out. He's going to the semi-formal with me. And I've convinced him to attend the Comedy Show Thursday. And hopefully we're shooting this Friday. The weather's supposed to be very nice finally. I haven't even really given much thought to how weird it's going to be [to be in his movie], especially if things may be positively progressing. Last night he was all giving me compliments, And he told me word for word what I had planned on telling him: I enjoy your company. So maybe something's mutual. I've gotta go moment by moment though.

Monday 4/9/01

On Friday, despite the drizzle, I helped Max shoot. He's finishing the rest this afternoon. Then we ordered Chinese food and watched the film club's dailys. Then we hung out with Brian, Steve and Adam from Hofstra Film Makers. We talked about nothing til almost 4am. And tonight I found out that my friend thought Max and I were dating. Anywho, he tells me that I'm very obvious. I should just keep my mouth shut. I forgot to mention the comedy show on Thursday. Max showed up at 8:15 and said he was taping Survivor. How thoughtful! No, that wasn't supposed to be sarcastic. From my recent entries, it seems like my whole life can be summed up in one person's name. So I can't help that my mind's preoccupied. I think Max is just as shy as I am, and sometime soon one of us will do something about it. All these little things that he or I do must mean something in each other's mind. We're not just hanging out together for the hell of it, right?

Wednesday 4/11/01

Yesterday was the most exciting day of my life and not because I met Matthew Broderick again. Sure I toured Radio City Music Hall. Sure I was carded for the first time at Planet Hollywood. I think I have finally taken that next step. My other friend ended up not coming, so it was just me and Max. It was a crazy, fun, impatient day for me. We played at the Sony building, had our tour and dinner, and then we saw the show. I'll get right to the point. I told him how I feel. I was a bit too shy to use all the words I wanted to, but I told him I have fun with him and I enjoy his company. And he said the same back to me. And then he said, "That deserves a hug". When we pulled back afterwards, we were like right there for a second, but I don't know what he was thinking. He's in SF right now visiting his brother. He said he's send me a postcard. I guess things are good. We have so much in commnon, and I'm not embarassed around him. I can just be me. And we can goof off together too. Amazing.

Wednesday 4/25/01

On Monday I just went to his room and said, "I really like you. D'you wanna go out?" I'm not quite sure his exact words, but it was mutual. I haven't seen him since, and I've been annoying everyone with my worries. Although I always say this, he's totally different from anyone else. On Sunday I went to Manhattan with Hofstra Film Makers Club and Max too. We saw the filming of Spiderman at the NY Public library. It was mad cool to see Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, especially with my new buddies. They're great fun. And I really enjoyed Max's company that night. On the drive home he invited me to sit on his lap because the car was crammed. Of course I did. But no one's seen him today and he didn't go to class, so I'm all freakin' out. Stop it Fu! Let's hope tomorrow brings me good answers.

Monday 4/30/01

Things aren't looking good. It's like a nightmare. These things don't happen to me. Late Saturday night I was contacted by Public Safety because his parents came down. I met his dad and step mom. You know, it's just my life that something unbelievable like this would happen to me. None of us have ever experienced anything like that. It's all a dream, and I'm gonna wake up and Max will be standing there with a big grin on his face. Everything you can imagine them doing has been done, like on TV and the movies. We've been questioned by police and detectives, we've had to view security camera footage. I also met his mother and she said, "You're Laura? You know he really likes you." I almost broke. Somehow I was named as his best friend or something because everyone says I'd be the one he'd call. And I was asked all these personal questions about us too. So someone said something, I don't care. It's nice to know that all those feelings I had were right. But it makes me long to see him even more and give him the biggest, longest hug ever...and then smack him for scaring me. But it's just my life to have the one most personal thing to me be told to everyone. So that's how I guess I've become his girlfriend. His dad is really nice, I can see where Max gets his great, sweet personality.

Thursday 5/3/01

Things are still the same. I guess that's good because although nothing points to good, nothing points to bad either. Nothing makes sense. I mean, I can't even think of a scenario. There isn't any evidence of something bad, but it also doesn't make sense for him to take off. It's like a terrible nightmare or being stuck in a movie. I don't understand how anything could be real. This doesn't happen to me or anyone. What did he or I do to deserve this? He was on UPN, NEWS 12 and FOX 5. And he was in Newsday. Jeepers, is this really happening? Why is it that I finally find something, and then it's taken away like this? If this is a test, then I agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And the timing of everything: why him and why now? These last few weeks have been the most fun. And now my boy is known to everyone. This is Max though, and he's invincible. I think really bad things that make me cry, but I discredit each scenario. And all the positive scenarios don't make sense. Now matter what, I'm upset because I'm thinking. Everything reminds me of him. Songs, rooms, words. And I hate only having memories. I have pictures of us and video from the city. That night was just about the greatest night ever. And that's all I remember. I'm scared to lose him to my memories. I miss him more than anyone can imagine. And if only I had expressed something earlier. If only I had tried calling him again on Tuesday night rather than waiting for him to return my call. I was just sitting in my room. I wish so many things. Every day he's gone I realize even more how much I love him. When he comes back I want to hug him and never let go. I haven't been able to eat or sleep or anything. It's bad, this longing I have for him. I have these dreams that everyone is helping but no one can find anything. I'm just stuck here, and life's on pause but there's nothing I can do. I can't wait. I need him back now, right now. I can't imagine living without him. Please come back.

Monday 5/7/01

Please wake me up from this horrible nightmare. How can this be happening? Why him? I don't know what to think anymore. I have been completely questioned out by everyone. And no one can help me because no one's done this before. People are supportive, but no one can do anything. I just don't know anymore. What am I going to do about the semi-formal and Conan? I feel so weighted down with unhappy thoughts that I can't bring myself to do happy things. It's been two weeks, and I'm almost forgetting who he is. My memories have been picked over and dried up by questions galore. There are only a few things left that no one else knows about, just a few memories I never want to share. Max, please come back.

Thursday 5/10/01

I just got back from the semi-formal. I had been hoping that this little missing-stunt would end and Max would pop out and say "surprise". He has to come back sometime. He can't be dead because it's Max, and I love him. He can't be gone now. I just can't do this anymore. What do I do when I have to go home? I'm sick of repeating myself and explaining the same thing. I just want that cute, quiet, funny Max back so I can fall asleep in his arms. I had so many chances, none of which I took. And now I've lost it all. I was so excited for the formal. I really wanted to dance with him and just be close. I cried tonight. I hope he misses me like I miss him. Tomorrow we have the Conan O'Brien tix. I'm so stressed, tired and fed up. I need you back Max!

Monday 5/14/01

Everything's still the same. Things in my life are slowly going ahead. I have my appetite back, but I still think about him every moment. But it's like he's fading. I hate it. There's this empty space next to me no matter what I'm doing. But he's just a memory now. So much time has gone by,t his nightmare, how will I go on with my life after things are resolved, good or bad? And since I'm going home, I might not even be here. And what has he been thinking about me anyways? Can we just go back to being together or whatever we were? All I know is that I hate not having him here, despite was between us. I loved everything about him. I had so much fun, he gave me back that motivation I've been lacking.

Tuesday 5/15/01

I wish I had a faith because I want to pray for him. God, please don't take away yet another person I love.

Tuesday 5/22/01

And so my life goes on. I'll never understand why things happen like this, especially to me and those whom I love. There are no words anyone can say to change anything or stop the pain, and I'm wondering what I can do a year from now or in 20 years. Though I've never had faith, I now have the curiosity and need to find out where he is and how to get there myself. Fear and pain have taken over my life, and because of one sick f@#$. I finally had something...we finally had something, and it was taken away in the most gruesome, horrific and terrible way. Saying that it's just not fair can not do justice to the anger I have. I don't know what the next steps are, but I need to continue on I suppose. I feel unstable, like I've lost control. I just wish that for one last time I could've seen him. One last chance for me to kiss him goodnight. I don't know how I'll ever get to see him again, or if I ever will, but I'm waiting for that first dance we never had.

Thursday 5/24/01

I have nightmares sometimes, or I start thinking about Max and his cute, perfect little body.......I get really nautious and angry and I cry.....I can't imagine how I'm supposed to go on. I get so annoyed at everything and everyone. It still feels like a movie, like it's all to terrible and unimaginable to be true. Max will just pop his head around the corner, grin and chuckle and make some extremely clever joke....

Friday 6/8/01

All I have are memories, and I've relived them so many times that they've almost lose meaning. I remember being in the office with him one afternoon. I said I had left my drink in my room. Later he went to the cafe, and he came back with a diet coke. I didn't even ask him, and he knew what my favorite drink was. And at the comedy show I mentioned that I had a guitar pick from every show. Afterwards, he found one and gave it to me. He stayed to clean up after that show even though he didn't have to. Why is it that I can spend my whole life wondering about love, too scared. And when I finally find it, it's take away from me like this? It's not fair to Max. What did he do to deserve this kind of brutal end? Not only do I miss him like there's no tomorrow, but having to think about his cute, perfect, sweet and gentle face and how it's not here. I'll never see him again. So many things I never got to do.

Tuesday 6/12/01

We're having a major thunder storm now, and although I'd usually be hiding under the covers right now, I'm conforted by memories of Max. It was that night we played with his camcorder. We shot part of your film that day. I held the umbrella for you, and you let me wear your hat. And after we went to Friendlys, we went to the office with Rachel and Ryan. I guess our whole "Fear" take-off didn't work. But truth-or-truth was fun. I thought I was beein pretty obvious when I said I'd prefer to be handcuffed to you. When the two of us were alone on the unispan, I really wanted to say something. Could you tell? It was fun watching the video we made that night. I like how I kept jumping when it thundered. I told you I was scared of storms. But it's not as scary anymore because I know that you're somewhere making sure I'm safe. After what you had to go through, I think I can face anything, if it means being able to see you again.

Tuesday 6/26/01

I thought they said this feeling would fade eventually. Well, it's still here. I feel the same. I'm even more in love with Max now, the more I think about him. Even though I've thought about him so much and relived all our times together over and over again, every now and then I recal another memory. Like at the comedy show on April 5. We were all sitting on the brick railing in USA. Max was up there, but the wall was kinda high, so I was having trouble getting up there. He took my arm and pulled me up. I have all these short clips of memories that repeat a million times in my head. Playing "I Want It That Way" on the baby grand in the student center theater and him coming in, complimenting me. Playing ultimate frisbee. Throwing stuff out the office window that rainy day during spring break. Falling asleep on the train back from the city so many times. Laying our legs across each others while we sat and talked.